Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
