im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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