Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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