I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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