i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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