All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
