YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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