it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
