What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
