my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
