did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
