There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
