I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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