wake up i wanna do it froggy style
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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