I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
