I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize