Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
