I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
