I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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