I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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