I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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