Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
