I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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