i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
