The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
