he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
