Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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