My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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