She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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