i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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