last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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