Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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