right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
