dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize