I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
