I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
