i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
