I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
