o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
