She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
