everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
