She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
