When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
