it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
