my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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