Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
