its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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