My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
