you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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