I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
