Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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