He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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