Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize