It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize