Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Please don't give away my fajitas
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
