Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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