Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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