just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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