mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
