I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
