I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize