The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Someone signed my nipple.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
that may or may not have been my penis.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
